Ramblings of a Pregnant Woman

WARNING:
BEFORE YOU PROCEED, CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.
BELOW IS REALLY JUST A WHOLE LOT OF WHAT I WILL CALL, "RAMBLINGS OF A PREGNANT WOMAN!"

This second pregnancy has been as equally miraculous and joyful as the first. I've been filled with the same shock these past 9 months, that I remembered having 3 years ago, as I've watched and felt my body change and grow in response to this precious life inside my womb. I've worried as much about each new ache and pain and marveled at every flutter, wave, roll, hiccup and kick I've felt. I've imagined, felt, witnessed, documented and even dared my belly to swell to enormous proportions (although I don't think I'm nearly as giant as I was with Peyton).

The difference this time around is that I didn't obsess and dwell on my pregnant state each day and often forgot early on that I even was pregnant for hours at a time and would end the day in a panic wondering what I had done, or eaten, and hoped that I hadn't done anything to jeopardize the pregnancy. I seemed to mark the milestones more by the weeks or months this time around, whereas with Peyton I was truly counting by days. I felt more tired and had to will myself to keep on keeping on some days for the sake of Peyton. I think time passed much more quickly this time and I'm in disbelief that I could be holding this baby in my arms at any moment.

At 38 weeks I'm still chugging along. I was feeling pretty good up until a nagging, but dull back pain (which I ignored for several days) became a full blown, sharp and shooting pain, earlier this week. I've spent the past 2 days on the couch unable to walk or move around without excruciating pain (which is a tough thing for this busy-body to do).

Peyton is a compassionate and caring little fella and tells me each morning, "Mommy, I'll make you feel better. You just need to play, play, play." Then, when I sit for more then 5 seconds he reminds me, "Mommy, get up. We have a job to do!" The job of course usually involves lots of squatting and moving and digging in dirt and the hot sun. He has my best interests at heart, I know. This activity was already becoming troublesome for me, pre-back pain, but now I'm feeling even less like digging and more like a schmuck because I can't partake in the brightest part of my son's day - digging and building. It kills me to see the rejection on his face and I can't help but dive bomb into an irrational fit of pregnancy fear and anxiety that this is how the next several months, or the rest of his life are going to be - shunned and rejected by his mother, who is too busy, overwhelmed, or both, to devote such personal and undivided attention, as she has given him these past 3 years. Then again, perhaps this is just a health check for us both and a way to ease us into the reality of a household of more than one child.

Just when I had planned on passing the final weeks before baby #2 arrives playing with Peyton to my hearts content, and completing a long list of "must do's" before baby arrives, I'm reminded once again about how important it is to remain flexible, resist the need to control every aspect of my life, and modify my expectations. I guess I won't be completing the "must do's" after all. Which, let's be honest, upon further review are the same things that never get crossed off my lists and are instead recopied most days of the week, month after month, time after time and still remain uncompleted. Why is it that these tasks suddenly seem important when you are enormously pregnant and pretty sure your life is about to change so drastically that you may never again have a spare moment to complete such said tasks like filing, organizing, cleaning, breathing, sleeping, oh and setting up a baby room! (I guess I just answered my own question-my fear of change paired up with my need to control).

All kidding aside, I resolve that what really is most important will get done and everything else will just nag me for another 18 years or so, when I'm empty-nesting and have nothing better to do than file and organize. Until then, I guess I'm thankful that until now my pregnancy has been normal and healthy, I only have a matter of hours or days left, Steve and I have created a home that we love and cherish, we can't wait to meet our newest bundle of joy and as burdensome as back pain is, I now have an excuse to just let go and try to truly be in this blessed and exciting moment of transition for our family.

Soon I will no longer be two, but back to one being. While I look forward to being just me again, I have to admit that I also feel some sadness. I can't say with any more conviction one way or another that I love or hate being pregnant. I feel both. But, sharing your whole self for 9+ months is an experience that I can't find the words to explain. Feeling that this short phase of my life (pregnancy), which will probably remain among the most memorable, meaningful and greatest times of my life, is about to come to an abrupt end, makes me feel a bit sad. But, bringing a life into the world is such a unique and wonderful thing that I am so grateful to have been able to do.

I'm still in disbelief at what the human body can and will do and while I scientifically understand the process of creating a human being, I still declare it to be the most miraculous event - to conceive, grow and deliver a baby is a miracle!

Learning about ourselves and our first born this past three years has been another minor miracle! While this life as a family of 3 comes to an end, I will try to embrace this change with as much grace and confidence as I can muster. I really do look forward to the adventures that await this soon-to-be family of 4.

We just can't wait to meet this little one and introduce him/her to the world! Stay tuned.