Beautiful Boy
I knew the day after you were conceived that I was pregnant. I just knew you were in there beginning your 40 week journey and that I was beginning mine. How different the two journeys would be, yours and mine. Each day together with you in my womb felt like a new and special gift to me. I had to wait 10 days before I could take a pregnancy test. I told your dad that I felt pregnant, but did not tell him that I was going to take an at home test the morning that did (until after). My hand was shaking and my heart was racing - I wanted it to confirm my intuition. I needed it to be positive. Within minutes the pink plus sign told my what I suspected and I raced to catch your dad, who was literally walking out the door on his way to work. Surprised by my sudden entrance into the room and more so by the test I shoved in his face, he burst into tears of joy. We held each other. It was a remarkably memorable moment. The day was perfect and had hardly begun.
On January 15th, my initial doctor appointment confirmed what we already knew, and on January 25th, my 30th birthday, we had an ultrasound and got to see you in your first stages of life. You looked like a little bean, our bean.
We decided to keep your presence in the world a secret until the second trimester. Between the excitement, my anxious energy to get to the fun and “safe” trimester, the cruel and cold winter weather we had day after day, and the increasing morning sickness I had, each day we waited to tell people about you seemed like an eternity. Those 12 weeks may have been the longest of my life! Still, we loved having you all to ourselves. Our special secret; our child.
Your dad was a gem. He was attentive and understanding during those first weeks when I didn’t feel well and didn’t have any energy to share in the housework, meal planning, and general partnership of marriage. He was gentle and doting. Although he always has been, so I shouldn’t have expected anything different. I think I was more surprised at how lethargic and sick I felt day after day. I always thought that since I was healthy and active, my pregnancy would be a breeze. So did your dad. Still, he was patient and kind and I loved him all the more for it.
On February 22nd, your father’s 31st birthday, we shared our joyful news with the world!
We read about your growth and development week-by-week, month by month. The process is a miracle. As soon as our baby book said that you had developed your sense of hearing, we talked and sang to you while you were in my belly. Sometimes I even read to you. Mostly though, we sang because music is the best way that I know to share my emotion and let you know how I feel. I guess I just figured that what you were hearing was the tone and vibration and a song, a melody, a tune, was the best way for you to hear me communicating with you. It became an almost daily ritual – sometimes I sang while I was getting ready in the morning, sometimes while I was driving in the car, sometimes your dad and I sang to you at night after work.
Once we announced to the world that you were on your way, and I began to look like I was an expectant mom, we needed something to call you. Baby was the obvious generic name. I preferred Buddy. We decided to find out if you were a boy or girl at our 22 week ultrasound on May 2nd and that made it so much easier to imagine you as our baby, our son. That’s when we started to call you Little Dude, or LD, for short. My mom called you Scooter. Even before you were born you enriched our lives.
When I first felt you move inside my belly it was exciting. I wasn’t sure the first few times if what I felt really was you. Each movement became more distinct and more real. It took a few weeks for your dad to catch one of your movements at just the right time. The look on his face when he too could share the joy of your life inside my belly was priceless. He lit up – eyes sparkling and a beaming smile. Often I would just sit quietly when you were active in there and imagine what life will be like with you as my son. What will interest you? What activities will you like? What will you look like? You will be perfect just being you. These moments are a treasure. Each one magical and unique. I hope and pray that you are getting all the nutrients you need to grow big and strong in my womb and I worry that I’m not doing enough to help you on your journey. I suppose it will always be this way – my greatest hopes will always be my biggest worries for you. Most of the time, these precious moments are shared just between you and I. Always, my hope is that you know how much I love you, my son.
Happy First Birthday, Peyton!
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