Project Sleep 2009: Derailed

Last Sunday afternoon, Steve and I were gung-ho to tackle the sleep problem that is NOT resolving itself. The Dude just won't sleep...period. He fights sleep at all costs and only occasionally wears down for a short cat nap, which is never any great length of time, so I rarely get anything done around the house, let alone a nap of my own. We had made a couple of half-hearted attempts prior to the Christmas holiday and our New Years vacation to "teach" Peyton to self soothe (aka cry it out), but not with any real effort, or for any great length of time. Nearing a sleep crisis of my own, I declared that something truly must be done. Entering the new year - a time of resolutions - we decided there was no time like the present to resolve our own sleep issue. Thus we developed: Project Sleep 2009.

We were so confident, when devising our plan during our family walk last week, that it would work and we would not back down. This time would be different. It was going to be a whole-hearted "team" effort. But executing it that first night and each day thereafter has been so much more challenging than I could ever have imagined.

Night One: Bedtime routine established and performed flawlessly by yours truly (and the darling barracuda, of course). He was comforted and soothed to the perfect state of drowsiness before being placed into his crib to find his own route to dreamland (this differed from our previous routine where he would fall asleep in my arms, which 99.9% of the time resulted in an instantly awake and very irritated baby during the transfer to the crib). Sitting high and mighty, I smugly ventured down the hall past my husband and crawled into bed for a good nights rest...or forty minutes. At first they were quiet cries that I reassured myself were just signs that he was between sleep cycles. He'll drift right back to sleep. He has to. That's part of the plan, right? Wrong!

After the first hour and well into the second, or third, alternating between letting him cry for a few minutes before going in to soothe him back to a drowsy state and then returning him to the crib only to endure louder cries than the previous set, and bracing myself against the vicious guilt that was poking it's evil head out and messing with my mind, and confidence, I must admit that I was feeling quite tired and frustrated and ALONE!

I was ready to crawl into the crib along side my son and join his rage...at least then I wouldn't be alone with my tears. Sadly, I acknowledged to myself that "this is not the 'team' effort I had envisioned" for Project Sleep. In a moment of weakness I just may have deviated from "the plan" and stormed into the bedroom to tell the rest of the "team" exactly how I felt. Not exactly my best pep talk and I most certainly will not be repeating it here (although my delivery was full of drama), but the desired result was achieved! In an instant, the unfamiliar feeling of resentment and loathing I had developed that night for my loving husband and "team" for choosing to "sit this one out" and "get a good nights sleep" was replaced with well, honestly, in that moment, the bitter-sweet feeling of at least one victory. Steve got up and took a turn while I retired to the bench (and my dark side - it was only one night, however). Peyton did not go down easy. In fact, it was a long night. A very long night.

Here's my chance to redeem myself and regain my self-respect: The next morning as I gazed into the tired eyes of my husband (with my tail between legs and shame oozing out of my pores) I knew that he didn't resent me, or fault me, for my ridiculously immature and desperate behavior from the previous night. We really were a team, no matter what. Thank you, Steve and I'm sorry.

And that was just the first night. Might it get worse before it gets better?

Night Two: Not much different from the first night. Since Peyton had evidently decided not to be a willing participant in Project Sleep, his first night and day of the project were practically sleep-less. Therefore, it is no surprise that he was downright exhausted by bedtime the second night. I was sure he was ready at this point to jump on board with us. I followed the routine again and like the first night, it worked like magic! Then, less than two hours later he was awake and mad (I'm pretty sure he was kicking himself for letting down his guard just long enough to drift into dreamland...barracuda's are tricky little things)! Again, getting him back to sleep was a long and tedious process. He did eventually cry himself to sleep between our moments of calming and soothing him. Progress? Time will tell. I'm definitely adding a point to Team Parent for this milestone.

Night Three: Once again our day was practically sleep-less so by the afternoon I allowed Peyton to sleep soundly and comfortably in the arms of Analisa (who was home for the holiday and meeting him for the first time). What's the harm? Peyton desperately needed the sleep, I needed the peace and quiet. We were both getting pretty haggard and fighting off a bug. Three hours later he woke up happy and I'm certain I saw a twinkle in his eye. Is he already manipulating me to get what he wants? Ok, one point to Team Baby.

The night was much like the first two...only his eye infection was definitely getting worse and was that a rasp I was hearing in his chest?

Project Sleep was starting to shake and rattle.

There was definitely a progression in the bacterial eye infection, followed by the onset of Little Dudes first cold, a bad cold I might add. His temperature soared to 101.1 degrees this evening - his highest by far. He is extremely congested and his cough keeps him awake, or when he does drift off wakes him right back up. His voice is weak so much so that it really sounds more like a squeak. He awakes frequently every 30 minutes to 3 hours, at most, around the clock. My heart aches to see and hear him suffer. Fortunately, he's not too sick to flash a few of his gummy smiles every now and again. Even though he showers me with saliva and phlegm each time he sneezes and coughs and I know my own cold is waiting just around the corner, for the first time in my life I don't really care about the germs (his germs, that is...don't think I could have the same lackadaisical carelessness about the germs on anyone else...cover your mouth people)! And while I know he's miserable, each sneeze and cough is really quite adorable. Besides, now I can hold and cuddle the little guy without the guilt.

Project Sleep has been derailed.

I'm really quite relieved to escape the pressure of the project.

Does this make me a bad mother - giving in so easily?

It's 1:30 am and I don't care if I'm a bad mother - I just want to sleep!

I know, I know. You're probably thinking that if I ever really want to sleep well, EVER again, I have to get through the rough days of the project. (Easy for you to think. You're not the one sitting here wide awake blogging at 1:30am. Wait. Why am I blogging at 1:30am?)

Keep tuning in for schedule updates. I'll let you know when the train is back on the track!